People come up to me on the street and wonder what kind of training regimen I’m on. They say, “Dang yo, how are you possibly going to watch Snakes on a Plane for 24 hours straight? You aren’t injecting steroids or pig testosterone like those Tour de France hombres, are you?”

Rest assured dear reader, I am not. How does one train an for endurance event like the one I’m about to subject myself to? Simple. Diet. Yes, diet is the key. Every day I eat one Mrs. Freshley’s Cherry Pie and a drink several large cups of vending machine Maxwell House coffee (strong setting). And that, my friends, is how you get ready for the greatest 24 hours of your life, drug free. The American way.